Tilting at Windmills

“Just then they came in sight of thirty or forty windmills that rise from that plain. And no sooner did Don Quixote see them that he said to his squire, "Fortune is guiding our affairs better than we ourselves could have wished.

Do you see over yonder, friend Sancho, thirty or forty hulking giants? I intend to do battle with them and slay them. With their spoils we shall begin to be rich for this is a righteous war and the removal of so foul a brood from off the face of the earth is a service God will bless.""What giants?" asked Sancho Panza.

"Those you see over there," replied his master, "with their long arms. Some of them have arms well nigh two leagues in length."

"Take care, sir," cried Sancho. "Those over there are not giants but windmills. Those things that seem to be their arms are sails which, when they are whirled around by the wind, turn the millstone."


"The Quixotes of this Age fight with the Wind-mills of their owne Heads."

Don Quixote

From his first appearance in our worlds I could tell that Christopher Maddux AKA Bud Foxx like Don Quixote lived to “tilt at windmills” When he passes away I was immediately reminded of the words of Ted Kennedy when he eulogized his brother Robert. I have remembered them my entire life as they were emblazoned in the minds of anyone alive then.

“My brother need not be idealized, or enlarged in death beyond what he was in life; to be remembered simply as a good and decent man, who saw wrong and tried to right it, saw suffering, and tried to heal it, saw war and tried to stop it.

Those of us who loved him and who take him to his rest today, pray that what he was to us and what he wished for others will some day come to pass for all the world.

As he said many times, in many parts of this nation, to those he touched and who sought to touch him:

"Some men see things as they are and say why. I dream things that never were and say why not."

I sent these words to try and comfort a gay man who had just lost his lover of 12 years to Aids. I realized the difference in proportion and pointed it out but the quality of the individual was the same. He saw a wrong and tried to stop it. In retrospect he gave so much of his last hours to fighting this evil that his courage dwarfs anything I could conjure up. I my 56 years I have had to try and soothe the loss from AIDS many times. How someone is left behind, alone and dazed, it is the tragedy of my generation of Gay men. The loss is unbearable. The loneliness is crushing, and the spirit is drained. Just watching someone you love slip away is a nightmare beyond words and comprehension.

In those few horrible hours after learning of Chris’s passing I was numb. I was angry. Just as I have been angry every time someone was lost to AIDS. I could not bring myself to believe that someone so close to death gave so much of his energy to trying to deal in the human hell that is Kent Barclay. I was torn between the loss and the joy for his and William that he was able to hang on long enough to see Cher open in Vegas. That may be a small thing to some but to him it was representative of the fantasy of life that we live in our dreams. He hung on then he let go.

Like many before William was alone, and grief was burying him. He wrote a touching farewell on Bud’s blog to let us all know, and then returned to his grief. Enter Kent Barclay the living objectification of evil. It became clear why Bud fought as hard as he did against him. Bud chose to send his last hours going to Vegas to see Cher. That is what William wrote. Kent turned that into “Bud Foxx self terminated over being distraught over nor being able to do in Damon”. Words truly from the darkest place of any human soul. He then used all types of invective and said according to his sources William had no idea of the evil Blogging of Bud. Trying as he always tries to insinuate himself into the personal relationship of a man who just died and his lover.

(I am starting a new paragraph here for Bud). He then went on to say that it was Karmic retribution for crossing Kent, and warned others that they soon would follow. Imagine saying anything like that. That death from AIDS is retribution for crossing Kent Barclay? When William asked him to take it down he went on the attack against Christopher with all of his lies and nastiness. He still to this day blasts Bud Foxx and warns others that they soon will die for crossing him.

Leaving aside all the lies of Kent Barclay, this outrageous act alone demands attention. Kent Barclay and his new partner Nelson Garcia revel in a mans death, and accuse others of gay on gay crime. Bud Foxx was a hero. Bud Foxx gave us his dying hours to fight an evil, vile liar. He showed courage and humor in ways I have never seen it. It is one of the highlights that in some small way I touched this wonderful spirit, shared a cause, and in some small was tried to comfort those he left behind. Bud may be gone, but his spirit is alive and well.

He died, but not in vain. He gave us the courage to carry on and we shall. Kent Barclay will never again have a free shot at unsuspecting gay youth. That is over. He will be hounded to the gates of hell until he enters. Rest in Peace Bud Foxx knowing your fight was a valiant one, and that we cherished you, and will carry on.

I shall close with the word of Ted on another day ….

And may it be said of us, both in dark passages and in bright days, in the words of Tennyson that my brothers quoted and loved, and that have special meaning for me now:

"I am a part of all that I have met
To [Tho] much is taken, much abides
That which we are, we are --
One equal temper of heroic hearts
Strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

For me, a few hours ago, this campaign came to an end.

For all those whose cares have been our concern, the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die.”


Tilt those windmills in heaven my friend...

Bud Foxx 1972-2008

posted by Kevin Clarke